Stop Scheduling Simple Telephone Calls over Zoom or Microsoft Teams

Remember the good old days before the Covid-19 pandemic when we all had garden variety conference calls?

We dialed into a call-in number, hit mute, then did something else. Conference calls are notoriously huge time wasters, so why not fill that time with something equally monotonous? Scrolling Instagram. Checking the weather. Deleting old emails. Anything to drown out our boss recounting her weekend getaway to the Hamptons.

But now, everyone is our boss and everyone wants to go over next week's schedule over Zoom or Microsoft Teams. Forget the conference call. Let's make you show your face while we talk about something boring and that could have been communicated in a short email in the first place.

While the Zoom video call has its place - interviewing for a job you won't get; crying to your therapist; or watching your uncle's arraignment - it should be against polite society to force someone to join a video call when all we are doing is having a simple meeting. But ever since Zoom calls have been all the rage since their proliferation during the pandemic, they turned into a lingering cough for corporate America: they won't go away.

We've had our fun experimenting with the video conference for every call. Yes, we were all lonely during the pandemic. It felt refreshing to once again see Bob from IT's face in the top right corner, even though Bob keeps freezing on your computer he was supposed to fix. We tolerated a blurry Bob. We looked forward to seeing Mary from HR who keeps messing up our PTO. We even chuckled when phone-hog loud talker Bill from next door took over the meeting with another pointless story about his car like he does every hour on the hour next door to your desk. Sacrifices we all made in the spirit of human connection!

But we've all had enough.

I have things to get done; I don't need a slow computer, Bob.

I have bills to pay; stop stealing my money, Mary.

I need to pretend to focus; stop talking, Bill.

So why do we still insist on holding conference calls over Zoom or Microsoft Teams? Why do we need to appear on video every time? Do the people scheduling these Zoom calls actually like appearing on them themselves?

Making someone join a conference call via Zoom is the ultimate act of selfishness. Not only do I want you to listen miserably to my incoherent ranting, I want you to do it while not moving an inch. Need to shift in your seat at minute 53 of your hour call? You can't! You have to keep your face in the box! Want to check your email? Eyes on me! Want to check a text? Good luck! Ever try to check a text message on your phone while pretending not to be looking at your phone while on Zoom? You spend more time looking at your on-screen self to see if 1) your phone is in view on Zoom and 2) it looks like you are checking your phone. Pure misery!

Our daily routines that could easily have been accomplished while listening to a conference call are now made impossible while we tighten our buttocks in Zoom Prison. Two obvious examples come to mind.

First, no more driving if you must be on a Zoom call. Driving somewhere while participating in a conference call without video was the easiest way to kill two birds with one stone. People purposely scheduled conference calls while traveling on the road. But I guess polls show that most people prefer pulling over at a highway rest stop when your boss demands the improptu Teams meeting in 15 minutes.

What's the second sacrifice to our daily routine we make all in the name of the Almighty Zoom call? Ask your digestive system. Your toilet misses you, but you will have to hold it. Don't shake your head. We've all done it. Just make sure you are still on mute when you flush. Or otherwise.

Finally, if you are going to force me to schedule a call with you because you want to go over the talking points for the client that also can't stand you, don't deceive me into thinking I can take this call on the road. When you say, "I'll send a call-in number," mean what you say. Just send a telephone number, not a Zoom or Teams link.

The only thing worse than posing as a statue for an hour alongside a sea of your colleague is learning that you were mistaken that you had a break from another Zoom call.

Don't send me a link. I'll sit this one out.

You have 19 people waving goodbye to each other before boxes start vanishing off screen. It won't be any less weird if you are missing number 20.

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